Words have import, and how we use language affects attitudes and behavior. As such, I find it disturbing when people use the phrase “committed suicide,” as if the person has committed a crime. Given the fact that there is so much stigma and embarrassment around the entire issue of suicide, I believe that society and especially the media need to write about suicide with greater sensitivity and responsibility. Suicide most definitely should be reported in the media, but never romanticized or sensationalized with gory details.
There are a number of terms or phrases that I would suggest as an alternative to “committed suicide.”
- A person ended his/her life by suicide
- A person chose to end his/her life by suicide
- A person ended his/her pain and suffering by suicide
- A person died by suicide.
I have seen this last term ‘died by suicide’ often of late, and while it is certainly more respectable and sensitive than the phrase committed suicide, I prefer the other terms listed above. My issue with died by suicide is the passive tone – it reads as if it happened to the person; like a person died of cancer or in a car accident. As I have previously emphasized, while I suffer because of Ariel’s decision and don’t agree with it, I respect that ending his suffering and pain by suicide was totally his decision. It did not happen to him – he decided to end his life. Did he suffer from a horrific mental illness – yes. But many people suffer from depression and/or OCD and do not choose to end their lives. Ariel did. I so wish he hadn’t. But, as I wrote in the eulogy, I refuse to take his last act away from him by claiming that mental illness ended his life. Ariel suffered terribly from mental illness, but it was his choice not to undergo Cognitive Behavior Therapy, and it was his choice to end his life. Some people have suggested that he was courageous or a hero. This disturbs me to no end. A firefighter who runs into burning buildings to save lives is a hero, as are soldiers, police officers and medical personnel. Indeed, all people working hard to make an honest living and support their children exhibit courage and are my heroes.
As such, I suggest that we refrain from using words that romanticize or glorify suicide and, instead, simply state facts, without judgment and stigma. Ariel chose to end his pain by suicide.
The social aspect of the shiva is also extremely hard for me. There should not be any words at all. According to Jewish custom, people visiting mourners should not speak to the mourner until the mourner initiates the conversation. But people feel so uncomfortable with loss and pain they often feel the need to fill the room with small talk.
What is more troublesome is the language that tries to deflect the pain of the mourner. For instance, I arrived home from my son’s funeral and someone said to me: “You should know no more sorrow.” I understand, of course, that this is a well-meaning expression meant to comfort me. But it doesn’t. I am in shock, unmitigated pain – now; right now, in this moment, so please do not talk to me about the future. And since pain is part of life, why wish something that is totally unrealistic!?
Before I lost our son I, too, would always say to a mourner a comment often heard in Hebrew in Israel, “I share in your loss.” Again, I fully understand that the intention is good. The person is trying to say something powerful – you are not alone; I’m here with you. But that is exactly the problem – I am alone. I lost my son to suicide – not you. No one can “share” in this loss – it’s mine only. A silent hug is all I needed; it’s all I still need nine years after the loss of my son.
I understand though, that words are the way we communicate, so my recommendation is to keep the message simple without assuming anything or giving the mourner advice. Simply say: I am so sorry for your loss. The salient points are: it’s your loss (no joint participation); and I am sorry now – I stay in the present because the mourner is in pain now. Wishing a mourner no more pain in the future is irrelevant and almost insulting – at least from my perspective.